Bathroom Adventures. Warning: not for the "prim and proper" reader.

This week has been interesting in the bathroom department. More than usual. On Friday I took my 3 little ones to the mall. It's not too far away, and I love going there because there is a little play area with lots of germy things to climb on. I usually get a coffee and let the kiddies run like wild animals through the Serengeti.

Like I said, we headed to the mall Friday because I needed to buy spring jackets for the girls. We got going right away. I swung through McDonald's and got my usual coffee, but upgraded to a large because I was already wiped and it was only 9 am. So we arrived at the mall and I got us settled in the play area because the mall stores weren't open yet. I was thoroughly enjoying my latte and the peacefulness of children letting off steam.

After about 20 minutes, I could feel the coffee "getting the pipes movin" if you know what I mean. I barely got the kid's shoes on, when it became apparent that this was an urgent situation. Brielle starts yelling that she has to pee too, and at this point I was gripping the strap of my purse, and starting to sweat. If you have ever tried to get 3 small children moving in any direction at a quick pace, believe me-it's like herding turtles.

Turtles that scatter.

We finally get into the family bathroom..the big kind with both the kid toilet and the adult size toilet, and I frantically lock the door and race to the toilet, ripping down my pants. Brielle gets on the kid potty, and we both let it fly. My pants are around my ankles, I've got the raging, burning trots, and in sloooow motion, Mickey looks at me, then opens the bathroom door. There I am, sweaty, gripping the handicapped handles, pants around my ankles, and there is a group of grey haired mall walkers and moms with strollers right there. In absolute shock.  I stuff a bunch of tp between my legs and quick as I can, hobble to the door, knocking over Emily, who starts to scream. Mike is trying to escape, and Brielle, who was trying to see out the door, has slipped her hand into her potty chair.

I'll just "cut" at that.

What a fantastic time that was.

Sunday was better.

Me and the hubs took the 4 youngest to the local parade of homes. You can walk through new houses and get building ideas. Anyway, we were only 3 homes in, and like usual, I had had one of my favorite lattes. This time, I really needed to pee. Like you know, I have 6 babies. You just can't ignore mother nature anymore when she calls after 6 kids. I was on the verge of an accident. I was in pain. Pain. I was frantically looking for a gas station, gravel road, portapotty, anything. We were in the middle of nowhere, but there were houses around. Finally, we got to the address of the house we were going to look at and I had a lightbulb moment...my husband's coffee cup was empty! I asked my husband to go on in without me and I scrambled to the backseat of our Yukon, just about losing my questionable grip on my poor weak bladder.

There were vehicles around, so I discreetly pulled down my pants, and just as I did so, it let go. I barely caught the thunderous flood in the cup. Ahhh.
Ahhh.
Ahhh! Yes!
Ahhhhhh.....OHDAMMITSHITTHECUPSNOTBIGENOUGH!!!!

You know the scene in Dumb and Dumber where the guy keeps filling beer bottles?

That was me.
Except I only had 1 cup.
But I had a scarf!

I peed on my scarf. My lovely blue soft scarf.
The scarf I wear all the time.

I defiled my lovely scarf, and splattered coffee-smelling pee all over the door, my pants and the seat. Thank heaven for leather seats, and baby wipes, and tinted windows. Even though the realtor of  the house was right in front of me, futzing with something in the back of her suv, she was oblivious to my obscenity. 

Again, "end scene."

I'm totally comfortable never again repeating those events.
Ever.

Adventures in Dating my Kids.

At our church, I've been taking a parenting bible class. It's been really fun, and generally makes me feel like a lousy outstanding parent. Yes, it's been a good learning experience. Something I've learned that I need to start doing is spend some time alone with each child. Like a mommy-date if you will.  At first I thought, Yeah, right! I barely have time to poop alone, and when I do snatch time alone, I run zig zagging, looking over my shoulder like an asylum escapee waiting for the shot of tranquilizers in my back!

But then I thought it over a bit and realized that my kids would probably enjoy it because I am awesomesauce...... ~sigh.~ 

So I started with the oldest kid.

On that Thursday when my sitter came, I reluctantly went and picked up Jaeli from school. Seeing her excited 14 year old face made me hope this would be fun and it would be ok that I forfeited my "mommy alone shopping time A.K.A. Target wandering time" for "one on one kid date time". (Because, as you know, most 14 year old kids turn into 16 year old kids who can't stand to be around their parents. We've all been there.)

We headed to the mall- the cornucopia of all things fun and teenagery- fancy $10 coffees and smoothies at Caribou, cool cheap clothing stores like Forever 21 and Deb, and plenty of hot teenage boy oogling. (For my daughter. Not me.)

The first thing we did was get some ridiculously expensive coffee drinks. I love strolling through the mall with a hot coffee in hand. It relaxes me. We spent a couple of hours browsing clothes, laughing at hairstyles (there was sure alot of throwback 80's mom hair out that day!), and taking stupid looking "selfies." It was fun, and I know my daughter enjoyed having me all to herself. I know that someday she may not want to hang out with me in favor of giggling about me to her friends, but that day is not here yet, and she had a good time with her old mom. I learned something kinda cool about her. She's apparently taken on her step-dad's spending habits...in that she doesn't like to spend her money. At all. It's kind of funny and curious to me, a self-proclaimed shopaholic. But I'm glad for her. And she's oblivious to boys looking at her. For now. (While her back was turned I punched the boys in the throat and drug them behind the displays.)

(Not drugged. Dragged. I dragged them. I did NOT drug them....)

Anyway, we had a good time.

The next week, I again succumbed to the guilt of needing to spend one-on-one time and took one of my other daughters, Brielle.

Brielle is a girly girl, and totally dressed up for our date. We talked about school on the ride to the bakery. We chose the bakery because #1) I love the bakery. #2) She loves sweets too! We ordered these lovely huge cookies covered in frosting and giggled when our teeth turned green from the colors.

We went to Target and bought lots of things, talking and laughing like we never do at home. To tell you the truth, we don't really get along alot. We butt heads. She's kinda bratty and stubborn. And so am I.

So I was really happy when she slipped her little nail polished fingers in mine and grinned up at me and told me how much fun she was having. I was surprised that I was having a genuinely fun time too. She sweet- talked me into buying a headband (for her 100th day of school), a necklace at the Limited (they were buy one get one), and new socks and leggings (because they were leopard...Who needs an excuse to buy anything leopard?!) Funny thing about her is she has excellent taste in outfits. She's only 5, but she dresses up like she's meeting the Queen of England most days. She picked out a bra set for me. (Of course it's her favorite color- pink.) I loved it!

We had a really fun time too.

This week was the boy's birthday. I have 2 boys, but one is the baby. So this one is The Boy. It's also my OTHER daughter's birthday. So me and my husband decided to surprise them with a trip to Airmaxx, a local trampoline park. We headed out after school, and they were so excited when we arrived! Just the two of them, and the two of us!

We purchased the required socks and I surprised my husband by telling him that we were jumping too. I used the bathroom because, you know, after 6 kids your bladder really doesn't need any extra excuse to dribble everywhere. Let alone the bouncing on the trampoline action. And after 2 cups of tea!

Anyhoo, I had thought ahead and thank goodness wore a sports bra because I figured I didn't want to take any kids' eyes out with my boombooms.

The kids (and us!) had an absolute blast! We raced each other, pushed each other, pelted each other with dodgeballs, did somersaults (and I peed a little), did cheerleader-style toe-touches (peed a little more), and bounced off the walls. (and peed a lot.) Daddy tried some cool jumping moves...massive FAIL. Daddy and I laughed about the controlfreakonapowertripwithawhistle girl who kept giving our rowdy family dirty looks. "Don't climb on that!" "NO diving into the foam blocks!" "NO running!" "NO having FUN!!!!" Yeesh. Takes her job very serious! (Side note: Why is there always one of these people no matter where you go? Waterpark, Zoo, Themepark, Amusement Park. Always some teenager on a power trip. Weird.)

The kids got special slushies, and we headed to the wonderful magic mall for their birthday gifts. After spending literally 45 minutes of each of them trying to find the PERFECT lego set, we ate and shared dinner in the food court. We had a fantastic time. (I *may* have smelled like pee. But I blamed it on the chinese food.)

I am now convinced of the valuableness of this one-on-one time with them. Or two on two. It has been so much fun to spend time with them away from the herd. They are so much different alone than together. More fun. More talkative. More cute.

I'm finding that I "like" them more for them. Not just loving them because they are my kids. I mean, that's a given, but having fun and laughing is what I'm good at. (Like the only thing, really.) And it turns out, they are good at it too! Spend some time alone with your kids. Even if all you do is board the mothership, Target. They will have a fun time having you to themselves, and you will learn funny things about them.