Everyone claims to be an expert on raising kids these days.
Usually, the people spouting the “advice” have either a) No kids, or b) 1-2
kids.
All the moms I know who have a bunch of kids know there is
absolutely no way anyone is an “expert.” I really get annoyed by any parenting
advice. I REALLY get annoyed with people who read a parenting book like it’s
the bible, and then proceed to follow everything in it.
Here’s the deal. All kids are as different as the variety of
candy bars in the gas station. All those candy bars come out of the same truck,
but BubbleYum tastes a hell of a lot different than a Snickers. Same with kids.
Even if they all came out of the same hole, they are all different flavors.
Of course, with 13 years, 6
kids, and a c-section scar under my belt, I have learned been slapped in
the face with a few things. Here they are:
1.
All labors and deliveries are different. It
doesn’t even pay to read a book. There’s’ nothing to expect except maybe a
baby. If a turtle pops out, you’re in trouble.
2.
On the subject of deliveries, births are gross.
Bloody, messy, gory, and gross. Now, maybe you had an amazing, easy birthing
experience. Either your soy green tea latte was secretly drugged by your desperate
husband, or you have a huge vag. Maybe you spend all your spare time hand
knitting maxi pads and meditating. In that case, I do not want to talk to you. Ever.
3.
For the first 6 years of life, be prepared to
get no sleep. You will be awoken by screams, cries, coughs. You will learn the
first warning sounds of impending barfage, and will leap awake at that first
coughy-gaggy noise.
4.
Most babies will smile and look at you by 6
months, if not, maybe you aren’t that interesting.
5.
When your baby goes from just formula or milk to
eating more solids, their diapers will go from mildly disgusting to “HOLY
MOTHER OF GOD! What DIED and is rotting in there?” And you will gag. And maybe
throw up in your mouth a little.
6.
Most kids walk by age 2. If not, see a doctor.
They may not have feet.
7.
Most kids say some words and stuff by age 3. If
not, please be sure they aren’t choking.
8.
Most kids will be able to pee in a potty by age
4. If not, buy bigger diapers.
9.
Don’t worry about sanitizing everything. As soon
as you turn your back, the kid is frenching the dog anyway. No worries. It
builds immunity.
10.
Those pretty homes in Better Homes and Gardens
don’t have little kids running around in them. When you have little kids, you
must have a kid friendly home. Put away the fancy crap you don’t want broken. Put
their artwork on the wall, put out interesting things for them to look at and
touch, give them places to be creative, and give them things so they can help
themselves. It’s their home too. Enable them to be independent.
11.
Along those lines, stock up on little brooms and
rags. Make cleaning fun for them, put on some music, and they will like keeping
the house clean too. They will be proud to keep things clean. And this frees up
time for you to drink wine…
12.
Don’t push your kid to potty train, give up a
bottle, or stop sucking their pacifier or thumb before they are ready. If you
do, you will have a 13 year old who still sucks her thumb in her sleep.
(Although the pictures will make a really wonderful slideshow at her wedding.)
13.
Don’t worry about losing your shit once in
awhile. Motherhood can be really fun and wonderful and daisies and rainbows and
candy, but sometimes it blows ass. It’s good for your teenagers to see how much
it sucks sometimes, as it’s free birth control.
14.
Furthermore, don’t worry so much about
accidentally letting loose a cuss word. Your kids will learn it on the playground
anyway, and they might as well know how to properly use “shit” in a sentence. With
proper enunciation.
15.
Every mom thinks her kids a genius. But if your
kid is behind you picking his nose and eating his boogers, I call bullshit.
16.
Not every kid has an iPod, or cell phone or $80
jeans, or whatever. We all know, because we pulled the same bullshit on OUR
parents when we were kids. And besides, them kids don’t live under your roof.
If they did, you could charge rent and get some good slave labor out of the
deal.
17.
Teenagers are moody. All teenagers are moody. Just let them be alone sometimes.
Just watch them from a safe distance. Kinda like watching the rhinos at the
zoo. Throw them some hot pockets once in awhile.
18.
Don’t feel guilty about feeding your kids fast
food once in awhile. Even great cooks get sick of making meals twice a day. But
if your kids think chickens only come in nugget form, it’s time to cut back.
19.
People always tell moms to “Let the housework
go! Enjoy them while they’re young!” Those people are usually old enough to be
a little senile, or have a few crayons short of a full box. I say, let the housework
go, tell the kids to go play outside, and read a magazine or go paint your
nails. Your kids will appreciate it when you later take the time to play with
them, because then you will enjoy it, and not be grumbly about never getting
time for yourself.
20.
When you do play with your kids, be goofy. They
are the only people in the world who don’t care how you act, and actually get a
kick out if it when you act a little off-balance. They won’t look at you weird
and will love you for being fun.
But the most important thing to remember when
raising kids is that anything you thought before you had kids goes flying out
the window once that little thing is placed on your chest. Trust your
instincts. Don’t let strangers parent your kids. After all, if someone is going
to screw up my kids, it might as well be me!
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