Having one is a lot different than having the whole 6 pack....

This 6 Pack effectively ruined mine....

Everyone knows all of those cute little "momsy" sayings:

Like, "A mother holds her child's hand for a little while, but holds their heart forever." 

And, "Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children."

Everyone knows being a mom is rewarding.

And everyone knows being a mom is hard. Real hard.  

Blah Blah Blah. Yada Yada Yada. It's a whole different ballgame when you have 6 of them.

When you get pregnant with baby #1, usually it's a wonderful time. Full of anticipation and dreams. Being nervous about how the dog will adjust to the baby. With a partner who massages your feet. (I didn't have this, but hopefully most of you do/did). Planning the nursery, buying baby stuff. Good times. With baby #2, you're excited for your older child to have a sibling. Prepping for the new baby, being nervous about how the other child will adjust...But by the time you're impregnated with #6, you don't care where it sleeps. A cardboard box will do. You don't need fancy baby equipment, because there are always kids jumping around to look at. No one is worried about adjustment because the other kids won't even notice another body in the house. You and your partner are so exhausted from chasing kids all day that you fall asleep drooling on opposite ends of the couch at 8:30 P.M. You give the 2 year old candy to bribe her into massaging your feet. 

And when you are in those 2 months of pregnancy, and your belly skin is all elastic from all those babies, your belly will toss from one side to the other, like there are 2 feral, rabid cats in there fighting over a dead decomposing rat. It is so uncomfortable, you will want to grab the nearest rusty steak knife and get the little bugger out. 

Not everyone gets hemorrhoids or stretch marks all over their bellies or constipation. I went through 6 pregnancies and never had a one of those. Not everybody's the same, so if some chick in the checkout is giving you the details about her hemorrhoids the size of floaties, kick her in the smush mitten. People love telling you horror stories. And people love saying stupid shit, like, "You look like you have your hands full!" and "Are all of those kids yours?!" "No, no, lady, I just found all of them. You see, I Collect Blonde Children." See what I did there? That's how I got my blog name....

Everyone knows that boobs sag after a few pregnancies. But after breastfeeding 6, they look like sad little rotten avocados. All wrinkly and whatnot. Like elephant skin. The stretch marks start to cave in on themselves. But it's not like Victoria's Secret is looking for middle age, mothers of 6 to be modeling swimsuits. No biggie. It's not like I need them to hold up tube tops, or to support a shot glass or anything.

On the subject of fun bags, mother nature played one hell of a cruel joke when she programmed women's bodies to store fat in their thighs and hips after children, and lose it from the hooter area. What the hell is up with that? I know more than a few women who would love to redistribute the goods. Oh well, those big ol' hips come in handy for carrying a baby. And for filling out a pencil skirt quite nicely. Va Va Voom.

That excess stretchy belly skin is good entertainment for toddlers. Kinda like Play-dough without the mess.

When you have 6 kids, there is always someone screaming. About nothing. For some reason, kids like to hear themselves shriek at the top of their lungs. I'm sure on more than one occasion, our neighbors have almost called the cops because they thought someone was being dismembered and lobotomized, when the actual reason for the screaming was that one of Barbie's pink boots that match her roller derby skank outfit was missing. Gasp!

With the 6, there is always built in playmates. Someone always wants a story read, or needs a boo-boo kissed, or wants to play fetch catch. There's always someone ready to wrestle with, play hide go seek with, or torture mommy with. 

A fun thing about kids is that they are never grossed out by you. They especially like body noises. You can sit on the couch next to them, ripping them off, and you can all bond over trying to guess what it smells like. "Raw Meat!" "Rotting Fish!" "McDonald's Bathroom!" "Old Mangy Goat Carcass!" It's a jolly family guessing game.

As you fold towels, you hear one of your kids asking, "Where's mommy?" And another one says, "Mommy's upstairs" and in your head you are like, "Huh? Mom's not here....OH SHIT! They're talking about ME!" I still do this. Every. Time. You never get used to being "Mom." Because "Mom" is your mom. And she's old. And Mother's Day still feels like her day. Or your Grandma's day. Its a weird concept. 

You know you have a ton of kids when all you want for mothers day is a day all by yourself. No kids. No man. Just a book, a comfy chair, the sun, and endless soda with ice and a straw.

When you have 6 kids, there is no such thing as "laundry day." It's laundry day every single day. We reuse towels, pajamas, and dishtowels, and I still do at least 18 loads a week. It. Sucks.

But you do have built in slaves. You give everyone a job, and then you can sit and drink wine relax. Ha. Relax. What does that mean? I only get free time if I let someone cry, or lock everyone out of the house. The only way I'm able to put on makeup or clothes in the morning or "go to the bathroom" is if I get out the candy bowl or fruit snacks and throw them at the kids and put some cartoon crap on the TV. At most, this buys me 10 minutes.

Messes are inevitable. At least once a day, milk spills, someone pees on the floor or in the bed, someone drips honey in the carpet, and cereal gets smashed into the couch. 

By the time you have 6, that last baby is so happy, jolly and mellow from getting fed by, entertained by, played with, smiled at, cuddled with, poked at, and held by every member of the family. Everyone loves #6.

It's weird having kids ranging in age from almost 14 down to 7 months. You have everything from mood swings, messes and ravenous hunger to, well, I guess it's pretty much the same all the way across the board. Except with babies, you have to change their pants. I wouldn't want to change teenager pants. 

Having a flock of kids is fun, horrible, great, wonderful, messy, fantastic, crazy, and insane all at the same time. You will feel like you are losing your mind one minute, and then the next, you hear your kids talking about how you make the best cookies ever and then you realize that someday, you will have such a lovely large family to invite over for the holidays. And you will secretly give your grand-kids mountain dew and candy and then send them home with their parents. Mehehe... Payback's a bitch, kids......(hands furiously rubbing together...)