Turning the - into +

On this journey of self discovery, I have taken many steps towards re-defining me.

The weird, odd thing that some of you probably will find obvious, is that I never thought through life that much. Then, like a slap in the face from Oprah, one day it hit me that I can control it. I can decide the image I want to present to the world, I can decide on the person I want to be, and own that image. I can be what I want to be- haha!  And "image" means different things to different people. But the bottom line is that you must commit to the image you wish to convey to the world, and if you are not 100% happy with that, you need to change something about it.

Like I said, I struggled with being torn between what I thought a mom of 6 kids should act like, and my personality. I figured I had to act all nice, and not swear, and be calm all the time. Like the mom to the 19 kids. She acts all nice and wonderful all the time. But 2 things: 1. She's on TV and is probably a troll behind the camera who wears a thong over leggings and makes the kids eat lucky charms with their hands, and 2: She is not me. (I like to swear. It makes me feel like a badass. Actually it doesn't. I don't really think about it, and it's a habit. I don't really care that I do it or not, but it's part of me. Like my freckles. So it's here to stay.)

Now, some moms seem perfectly happy fully immersing themselves in the sea of being a mom. But I know that I personally am not happy being defined by a single word. I am more than that, and I think deep down, those other moms know that they are too. Our children will be better children for knowing the full, rounded people we are, and not just thinking of us as servants to their every need.

Anyway, I always felt torn between 2 lives. Sometimes my true self came out in my comments on facebook and to my friends, but a lot of times, I felt like I needed to stuff myself down, and censor everything I said. I felt like I needed to be a domestic diva- sewing and quilting, having a perfectly clean house and cooking everything and baking everything. Now, I like doing some of those things in moderation, but not all the time.  I was stressed and unhappy inside from being pulled so many different ways.  And I definitely wasn't happy with my appearance. Gaining weight over the past few years with many babies and stress and waaay too much baking, I am not happy with how I feel stuffed into my clothes. I am not happy with how my belly is pinched into my jeans. I told myself little lies like "I'm happy with my curves" and "I'm healthy enough" and "I'll just be the soft old grandma who bakes" but I didn't believe them. I can't go up the stairs without getting tired legs, and I truly miss being more active.  I want to be alive for as much as this life as I can, with my new understandings of myself, and I want to be healthy for as many years as I can. I want to be stronger. And let's face it, I want to look tighter and leaner. I want my husband to go "Daaaaaang!" when I strip down to my pretty panties. I want to feel comfortable in my clothes. I still want to have curves, I just want to be strong enough to haul those curves into a run, bike ride, or long swim. And I don't want those curves to keep jangling after I've been at a full stop for 5 minutes.....

I don't know why I felt like I had to act a certain way, maybe it's because I was a mom so young, and thought I needed to be all proper and perfect. I became a mother at age 17, and never went through that usual young-adult period of finding oneself. So I was always kind of in limbo, torn between a wild young person who never "sowed her wild oats" and what I picture in my head when I hear "mother" 2 VERY different things.  I also felt pressure from people close to me who I felt always criticized my choices if I strayed to far from "the mommy path."  I feel like I can finally be myself without someone saying, "What the heck? Why did you do/say that? That's stupid." Now I feel like if someone said anything to me along those lines, I'd tell them where to shove it. I think most of the pressure came from being a young mom and never really finding out who I was without kids. And not having a chance to do the things a young person needs to do in order to be confident in their life. Because people without kids and people who had kids later never seemed to have any or as much inner conflict and resentment as I did.  So maybe those people who have kids later never felt this way. (Yay to them!) But I struggled with it for a long time. And struggling sucks. Being free from the constant turmoil of trying to be basically a "stepford wife" and "soccer mom" and trying to please everyone has made me so much happier, there are no words. I am less stressed, less anxious, and I finally feel like I'm coming to know who I am!

I had to dig deep to figure that out. I actually made a list of what I like about myself, and what I don't like. Both lists are what make me me, and so I accepted them for what they are. I accepted me. And it felt amazing. The peace I felt after that exercise made me cry. I don't need anyone else to accept me, because I accept me. I love the good with the bad, and the bad really isn't that bad. (things like swearing, pinning farts on other people, hiding purchases I made at Target form my man candy, laughing at inappropriate times, so on and so forth...) When you finally free yourself from worrying about what others think, you are free to fully appreciate who you are. The insecurities all but disappear.

After that, I started to look at the world through different eyes. Here's the deal. The "perfect mom" doesn't exist. The thing is, every mom has different qualities that she brings to the table which can immensely benefit her children. For example, I am a pretty creative gal. I think waaaay outside the box. I'm weird. So when I tell stories to my kids, I TELL STORIES! I can also make cool fart noises with my armpit, and I jiggle my butt and scare them with it's startling aliveness. Every mom has their strengths. You just have to figure out how to tap into the strengths and use that to better your family.

I used to think that deep down I hated being a mother, and I was terrified, but I'm glad that I realized that wasn't true. (so are my kids-HA!) I just needed some time to myself to think, recharge, and reconnect with myself. I really love my kids, but since there's so many of them, the sheer amount of energy required to be "on" all day- dealing with boo-boos, changing pants, baths, laundry, meals, reading books, waking up at night to give bottles, cleaning house, engaging them, talking with them about their problems, schoolwork- it is simply too much to do every day, 24 hours a day. So I was easily irritated all day long, and was exhausted. I felt like I had a rabid brood of chickens always pecking me to death, hungry for blood.

I'm still working on being easily irritated, but I have been taking more time to myself in order to recharge my batteries. I have hired a babysitter who comes and plays with the kids twice a week so I can run errands, get work done, and have some much needed mommy time. I erased the initial guilt I felt by realizing that most mothers have a relative or two nearby to drop the kids off at. Or daycare, or a neighbor girl, or a sinister tattooed muscular man with long hair....wait- that one's my fantasy...nevermind.....Since my nearest "grandmas" are over an hour away, a regularly scheduled babysitter is ready to relive me for a few hours to get stuff off my list. She also stays late one day every other week so me and the man candy can get a date night back once again. Last night we ate ice cream on the little metal chairs outside the shop, laughing together about the random stupid shit we find so gosh darn amusing.

It was wonderful bliss.

I went and got a new haircut and a brighter color, and resolved to make pampering myself a regular activity. I paint my toes, put on face cream, and use shaving cream and a girl razor! (I used to borrow my man's razor and use soap- what a difference!)
I also bought a paddle board and a pair of rollerblades. I've always wanted to be in sports because my mother never allowed me to, and I've always resented that. But what the hell- better late then never, right? Why not turn the negative back to a positive? So I got me some sporty shit and haven't looked back since. This is my sports, people. And it's awesome! I even got some sports bras so I feel all badass and athletic. If only my jiggly butt would cooperate and stuff itself into some hot bike shorts.....Alas, I'm the girl with the ghetto booty. Hopefully it will shrink a little with all this activity!

Now, not every mom wants to nurture their love of athletics and the outdoors. Maybe you want to get back to baking a bit, maybe you wish you had time to read more Babysitters Club books, maybe you want to catch up with your soap operas, or, maybe you want to reconnect with your love for making paper mache dolphins. Maybe you wish you painted, or wish you had taken a shop class in high school. Different strokes for different folks. I highly recommend that you rediscover what gets your clock ticking, and carve out some time to do it!

You can truly be the mother YOU want to be. Think about what that means to you. If you find that it you are unhappy where you are, think about what you can change. Think about how you want to be with your kids- what you want them to remember about you. Think about what God gave you to teach them. Everyone has gifts.

Turning the negatives into positives requires some thought, some planning, some effort, but has huge payoff. Think about where you can do that in your own life!