Not your "average" mom....

I was dropping my 13 year old girl off at school the other day after an appointment. In front of the school, there is a turnaround for buses, and the school parking lot. Both areas are connected by a huge sidewalk, which is in view of the window-lined lunchroom. I pulled into the bus turnaround, and said goodbye to Jaeli, when I got an idea....after she got out, I 4x4ed across the sidewalk with my window open, cackling like the wicked witch of the west. Did I mention that I was in full view of the lunchroom which was full of kids? Ha! Jaeli was fully embarrassed, but since she knows that I'm an idiot, she just laughed at me.

I'm not exactly your "average" mom. When I was a little girl, I always said I wanted to have 6 kids. I used to play tea party with all of my stuffed animals, pretending they were my kids crowded around me. I used to pretend that my brother and sister were my kids, and I loved to boss them around and play "mom." I wanted a ton of kids, I just really didn't plan on starting as early as I did. I had my first child when I was 17, and brought her home from the hospital in my Chevelle on my 18th birthday. What a gift to celebrate my entering adulthood! Just barely considered a legal adult, and then I was given a child to raise. Did I make mistakes? Uh, DUH! Of course I thought it was perfectly OK to put her down for a nap and then go for a run around town. I let my 12 year old sister watch her overnight, I let her stay up late, I probably fed her junk food too many times; I was more like her best friend than her mother. We dressed alike, sang together in the car, and went everywhere together. We had alot of fun, and even though it was stressful trying to make ends meet, we always had each other. With her sweet patience, cute little brown eyes, and unconditional love, she taught me how to be a mother, and how to fully love someone, and I taught her how to read.

Fast forward through a few failed relationships, a few more kids, a bunch of tears, alot of laughs, a whole lot of moving, and a bunch of job hopping.

A lot happened in a very short time. I remarried to a wonderful and complicated man, I had 4 kids in 5 years, I went to nursing school for my LPN, we started our own business, we remodeled a home, we bought and sold properties and vehicles, and generally life was insane. I was stressed, he was stressed, and as a result, our family was stressed. I started to lose myself. I started to get a very distorted view of what my life was, and what was expected of me as a mother. As a result, my depression worsened, and everyone around me felt my unhappiness. I was bitchy, irritable, crabby, and found it very hard to be happy. While striving to be the perfect mom, I was ultimately killing the very thing I wanted- a happy family. I was trying as hard as I could to make my family and home and myself perfect, but I only succeeded in putting my marriage on the rocks, alienating my family,making my kids unhappy, and making myself even more depressed. No one
likes a constant complainer. Don't get me wrong, I've always had issues with depression and anxiety- even when I was very young. It just magnified more and more with each child and the stresses of life.

A few weeks ago, it came to a head when me and my sister stopped speaking. She told me that I was making her miserable every time we saw each other, and that she hated my husband, (because all I did was complain about him). Naturally, he didn't seem like the perfect husband or father. So alot of it was my fault. Since we were very close, it hurt alot.

I realized that I needed to do some soul-searching. I discovered that over the years, I had lost myself more and more with each child I gave birth to. And my sister was right. I was making everyone else miserable, because I was unhappy with myself. I had been a bitch and a jerk. I needed a good kick in the ass. I said to myself, what the hell?! I used to be so fun and happy and stupid (in a good way). But I had turned into this person who viewed herself as needing to give up everything and be perfect in every way. I used to be someone who didnt' care what anybody thought, and was deliciously weird. But up until a few weeks ago, I was just not fully myself. I was trying to be 2 different people. My inner self was trying to come out, and was conflicting with the image of what I thought I needed to be, and that constant inner turmoil just made me bitchy.

So where does it say that once that baby pops out, you instantly must be a martyr and put yourself last on your list? I don't recall signing anything in the hospital saying, "now that you are a mother, you must give up all of your interests, put your child and husband first, trade in your cute clothes for ratty XL sweatpants and greasy hair, and act like a soccer mom clone. You will parent this child perfectly, and if you make any mistake, you must feel guilty for years." But that was how I acted. And I suspect that it's happened to alot more of us moms. You go so long doing so much for everyone else, and not feeling like you get anything in return. You don't have time to do the things that make you happy, you don't have time for hobbies, and it feels like your days are endless cycles of preparing meals, cleaning, breaking up fights, and wiping boogers. You wear clothes with permanent slobber stains on the shoulders, you don't wear jewelry because your baby tries to pull out your earrings, and you don't go to nice restaurants because you don't want to disturb people. your home decor is easy clean and your favorite things are replaced by mountains of toys. You plan your days around naptimes and feeding times. Absolutely everything starts to revolve around your kids. You fall into bed at the end of the day, and realize you still have to pee, and you forgot to feed the dog, and need to make a lunch for some kid to take on a field trip.

Well, I give you permission to do what YOU want to do. Be a little selfish. Of course, we all love our kids. But no one benefits from a frazzled old nag for a mom and wife. I had things in my head of what I wanted to do once my kids were out of the house. Some of them were as simple as having my tea in a comfy chair looking out at the lake, finally being able to wear jewelry, painting more (I enjoy it, even though I suck), reading more, and wearing my favorite fun outfits. I didn't do these things before because I felt guilty taking time away from the kids. I thought I needed to spend every minute with them. Every mom with small children knows, however, that every waking moment spent trying to please your kids just makes you wacky-pants and eventually leads you to the corner, where you rock back and forth blowing bubbles.

I didn't change overnight. It takes a long time to try to get these societal expectations out of our heads. I still get crabby. But now it's because of normal day to day irritations. Yeesh, with 6 kids in a small house and this long Minnesota winter, even Mother Theresa would have lost her marbles.  It's not just about time for yourself, it's about being true to you, and letting your personality shine through your parenting.

Be yourself, even as a mother, and trust your instincts. I know too many moms who make themselves crazy reading every parenting book out there, and trying every pinterest project they get their hands on. But your kids can smell bullshit a mile away. Go with your gut.  Life is just too short to live it by someone else's rules.